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JOKES AND FILES FOR POOR SICK BRAINS !1. Do Little Mermaids wear an algebra ? 2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ? 3. How is it possible to have a civil war ? 4. If God dropped acid, would he see people ? 5. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too ? 6. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry ? 7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done ? 8. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it ? 9. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids" ? 10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them ? 11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song ? 12. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn aeroplane made out of that stuff ? 13. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream ? 14. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes ? 15. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 16. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section ?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 17. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working ? 18. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims ? 19. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap ? 20. If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented ? IDIOT SIGHTINGS! Sighting #1 (a rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too. Sighting #2 (from Tech Support): Individual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name." Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Individual: How do you spell that? Sighting #3 When a husband and his wife arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, they were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As they watched from the passenger's side, The husband instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," He announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side." Things you didn't know you needed to know: 1. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." Uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/twx communications) 2. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. 3. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. 4. The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable". 5. The aeroplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus, the name of the Don McLean song.) 6. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar. 7. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 8. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them, they used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired." 9. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. 10. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their aeroplanes on the ground, the .50 calibre machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet along the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards." 11. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you can't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. 12. An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain. 13. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. 14. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. 15. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P. 16. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. 17. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. 18. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver". 19. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. 20. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." 21. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. 22. Kilo for kilo, hamburgers cost more than new cars. 23. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. 24. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ...But not downstairs. 25. Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands. 26. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. 27. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. 28. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. 29. Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can. 30. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. True Stories of Some of the Dumbest Crooks on Earth: INDIA: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled, leaving his wallet on the counter. ENGLAND: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realises that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does ...Backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag. GERMANY: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house ..where she realised that the camel's name was "Otto." USA: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. (And they wonder why we call them "Yahoos" ...) USA: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately. USA: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail. USA: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a cheque, a *forged* cheque. He got 10 years. USA: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realise that they locked the keys in the truck ..So they abandoned it. (Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head ...and realised that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole ..Are you ready for this? The bank's video camera. While it was recording, Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realised that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialled "999" for help. (Location Unknown): A man walked into a 7-11 convenience store & put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled ...Leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. 
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